Relational consistency: Making friends as an adult
In 2023 the US general surgeon declared loneliness as an epidemic. People used to live within communities often relying on extended family, neighbors, and community members for support. Over decades we’ve become more individualized, shrinking our social circles, and expanding a sense of loneliness that can be felt across generations.
A common statement I hear in therapy as it pertains to loneliness is: I don’t know how to make friends as an adult.
So, how does one make meaningful connections when you don’t quite know where to start?
When I graduated from college, I moved to a state where I knew no one and was tasked with the job of making new friends. What I learned in that chapter of my life was that relationships are built on consistency.
One of the dearest friends I made during that time was because we watched a weekly reality TV show together. I’d met her a few times in passing, so when I found out she had a TV and cable (I did not), I offered to bring snacks in exchange for a weekly viewing of the show. Having a set time to see each other allowed us a low pressure, yet consistent way to build a friendship. Years later we both stood in each other’s weddings.
If the loneliness epidemic resonates with you (not having a strong social network, or emotionally lacking in intimate connections), and you’d like to take steps to make a change, start with asking yourself the following questions:
Identify the need.
What are you wanting? Friends to go out and do things with? People who share common interests? Someone to talk in depth with about topics that interest you? Friends in the same or different life stage as you?
Identify the road block.
What is getting in the way of you making social connections? Time? Discomfort putting yourself out there? Exhaustion? Not knowing where to go/start?
Identify your interests.
What do you enjoy doing for fun or leisure? What topics do you enjoy learning about? What type of spaces do you feel comfortable being in? What hobbies have you wanted to try but haven’t yet? What activities did you enjoy as a child that could re-interest you as an adult?
Identify the desire.
Get specific in naming what you really wish for. For example: I love to cook and wish I had three people that I could invite over for a quarterly dinner party. Or, I wish I had two people I could invite to go hiking when the weather is nice on a Saturday.
Identify the next small step.
Brainstorm a list of ideas of where you could meet people, or ways you’d enjoy connecting with others (see a list below).
Check your schedule - what is realistic? Can you commit to a weekly art class? Or does inviting someone to coffee once a month feel more realistic for your schedule?
Relationships are built on consistency, over time, bit by bit, memory by memory, and with your willingness to be open to new friendships.
If you need a few ideas of ways to meet people, places to go, things to do, and ways to bring people together, here are a few to get started:
Join/host a book club. Host a cookbook club. Invite someone to coffee. Attend professional networking events. If religious, attend a weekly service. Join an intramural sports league. Sign up for a local art/pottery class. Attend a gym/fitness class on regular days/times. Invite friends to watch a weekly TV show together. Host a party & have each person bring someone. Take a local class (look at places like the botanic gardens, rec-centers & libraries). Join a run club or another club. Browse meetup.com for events that interest you. Volunteer somewhere. Take a dance class. Invite coworkers to an event like jazz in the park, a movie at red rocks, or a morning at the farmers market. Join an improv class.
Remember, relational health is mental health. Having safe, secure, and reliable relationships in your life can take you a long way in your health journey and help you feel supported at times when you need it.
