Being curious in your relationships
Relationships take skills — and we aren’t necessarily born with those skills. We learn them over time through support, examples, practice, trial and error.
Just because you love each other (romantic relationships), were raised in the same culture (family), have shared interests (friendships), or work for the same company (professional), doesn’t mean you automatically know how to thrive in those relationships. Needing extra support is normal and at times, necessary to learn how to have a healthy and workable relationship.
While there are many relationship skills to learn and conquer, the focus in this post is on the skill of being curious.
When I was in graduate school, one of the first things we learned was to replace assumption with curiosity. Being curious made us challenge the assumptions we made about our clients based on our own life experiences, and taught us to be open to how our clients processed their thoughts, feelings and experiences through their lens.
When it comes to our relationships, when we neglect curiosity, we can find ourselves in situations where we are reacting to our partner (or other relationship) based on assumptions and our own meaning making, without pausing to check in and clarify with the other person.
Being curious replaces our gut response and reactions. If your partner says something, or acts a certain way and your gut reaction is to get angry and defensive, try breathing, pausing and inviting yourself to be curious.
The first step of curiosity starts within yourself.
Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Why might I be feeling this way? What story am I believing? What assumptions am I making?
The second step is to then engage with curiosity with the person you’re with. You might start by sharing what you’ve just observed within yourself and then using curiosity to expand the conversation between you and the other person.
For example: “I’m noticing myself feeling defensive because based on what you just did/said, I’m believing ____. Before I run with that belief, can you help me understand what you meant?
Another example might be: you and a relative are talking and you have different world views and beliefs. The relative shares a perspective you disagree with. Your gut reaction may be to defend your position and argue difference of perspective/opinion. To engage curiously, check in with yourself, and then say something like:
“Thanks for sharing your thoughts/beliefs on this topic. I disagree with you, but I’m curious how you came to that belief? Help me understand your perspective on this issue.”
(Ps: it doesn’t mean you then have to agree), but you’ve allowed the connection to stay open between you and said relative instead of creating animosity or disconnection.
Below are phrases and sentences to help you become a more curious participant in your relationships:
What I’m hearing is _____, is that correct?
Help me understand…
Can I make sure I’m hearing you correctly?
When you do/say ____, the story I’m telling myself is _____ Is that correct?
Is this what you mean?
I feel ____, but before I react I want to check with you if this is what you meant ….
I’m hearing what you said this way ____. Am I getting it?
Where did you learn that?
Tell me how you came to that belief or assumption?
What is/was that like for you?
How does that make you feel?
What was that experience like for you?
I’m maybe making an assumption here, can you correct me if I’m wrong?
Give curiosity a try. These skills aren’t meant to be easy, so incorporating curiosity into your relationship requires practice, patience, looking inward, and doing something different.
Be well and stay curious!
